Arizona's Horse & Luxury Property

People have winning formulas to get what they want from those around them. I find it interesting when I “see” these formula’s play out.

The most interesting thing is that most of the time, the people themselves are not aware they have a winning formula. Now that I think about it, the people they use the formula on are typically not aware of it either. The receiver typically has many other relationships in their lives that use similar versions of the same formula. The Universe seems to line it all up for them. It is peculiar for sure. Do you even know what I am talking about? I hate to lose people before I even get started so allow me to give you some examples to ponder to see if you can figure out your winning formulas. Oh and I should let you know, most people have several. That way if one doesn’t work, we have a backup. After all, we do like to get our way and get what we want.

I had a situation recently with a member of my husband’s family. Since I have been married for over 20 years and I plan to stay married, I should stress that I will not be using names. It doesn’t have anything to do with protecting the innocent. It has to do with protecting myself. Did I mention that many winning formula’s come from protection of self? If I did deep, this is probably one of my winning formulas. *Sigh* I have found that these formulas are sort of like unwinding a finely knit spider web. A seemingly never-ending and delicate job.

Back to the situation. It had to do with Christmas. Oh and by the way…holiday’s are riddled with winning formula’s. It seems everyone wants things to look a certain way around the holiday’s and if their level of communication is less evolved, the winning formula’s tend to come out!

This particular individual wanted us to come to a certain gathering on Christmas. He gave us the place….vaguely. No time was mentioned. Christmas Day was what was communicated. Since my husband had worked five 12 hour shifts, including Christmas Eve, all in the week before Christmas, it was fair to say he was tired. Not just tired. Dog tired. Not to mention we had friends over on Christmas Eve and he didn’t go to bed until after 1:00 in the morning and once again got up to work on Christmas Day at 7:00 AM. Of course he had a choice to not work that much. This isn’t me putting him in a place of victim, it is a place he chose and he was good with his choice. He knew he would be tired. He was tired. He got off work at 2:00 and we had dinner at our home with our soon to be adult and adult children and my elderly mother. After dinner we cleaned up and then opened our gifts. Since my husband was falling asleep during the opening of gifts, I suggested he go lay down for an hour and a half or so. By this time it was after 4:30 in the afternoon.

He was concerned about his family being upset, (evidently he has been on the receiving end of the winning formula for years), still, his body was screaming for a nap so he went and laid down and got some much needed rest. When he woke up around 5:30 we got up and went to the family members home. We were met pleasantly enough by everyone except the one family member that had invited us. He was icy cold and withdrawn. Pouting, would be the word I would use, (sorry to say, just another winning formula). When he invited us, he had said the goal was to unite the entire family. Apparently not. I decided not to take on his stuff and we enjoyed our time there and went home around 10:30 that night.

A few days later came the winning formula call. It went like this: “I am really disappointed in you and Paul. I respect you and you don’t respect me by showing up late on Christmas. As much personal growth work as you have done, it seems you could at least show up at a decent time and be with your family for Christmas.” The winning formula was now to make me feel bad because I didn’t do what he wanted. The magic of this is, people only have the power over my feelings that I give them. No one can make me feel bad without my permission. I am not bad. I didn’t do anything bad. I am 46 years old and I can make my own decisions as to how I spend my time. If I had made a time agreement and not honored it, that would be one thing. The only agreement was to come over sometime on Christmas. We knew they would be playing cards until late that evening. I quickly realized that this person had gone through his entire life shaming others to get what he wanted. If he was able to make them feel bad, they would do what he wanted and he would get his way next time. The thing is…I didn’t feel bad. I wasn’t takeing the bait. I actually took it to the next level and told him that this tactic was not going to work on me any more and he would have to do something different to mix it up.

Needless to say..he did, the next tactic was thrown out. The temper tantrum. The thing about the Temper Tantrum is the people that it works on…well, they stick around and do what the tantrum thrower wants. The rest of the people go away. This tends to leave the Temper Tantrum thrower with a unique problem, the only people that want to be around him is needy people that are too afraid to stand up for themselves. They tend to tell the tantrum throwing exactly what he / she wants to hear just to stay out of trouble. The problem with this is it not only supports unhealthy relationships, it creates unhealthy relationships. Sometimes people call it a Co-Dependent relationship. The tantrum thrower tends to attract people that have poor self esteem and low levels of confidence. They sort of think this is how they deserve to be treated. The best thing a person can do is love the tantrum thrower and not take part in the tantrum. Very easy to say, sometimes a challenge to do.

A word of caution…when the tantrum works, the thrower will continue to throw tantrums. It also sets a stage for how you expect to be treated. It tells the person it is okay for them to behave that way towards you. In my opinion, it all connects back to parenting. This is how adults got our winning formula’s in the first place. When we are young, we see what works to get our way. Once we find a few things we stick with them. Some people check out. Sometimes people will pick fights with their aggressors so their aggressors will leave them alone. What they really want is to check out and not talk to anyone. They find a way to get what they want. The clincher to the winning formula is you get to win….well sort of. You and you alone win. Everyone else tends to lose. It is not great for relationships, that is for sure. A true Win / Win formula comes from choice. It isn’t about ego and getting our own way. A Win / Win mentality comes from seeing both sides to the situation and creating from a place of love. It starts with a heart at peace. It is a mind-set that everyone CAN win and that is the only goal no matter how it looks. It comes from being in relationship with others and communicating what it is we want and finding out what they want and creating from THAT place. It takes a very high level of communication and patience and understanding. We have to be able to set our old formula’s aside and develop new formulas. (Formula’s never die or go away…that’s another article!)

So, the skinny? The skinny on this is it always goes back to changing one’s self first. Starting with a heart at peace. We cannot change others. The only thing we can do is become aware and unravel our own spider web to see what makes us tick. Each time you untangle a piece you become healthier. It is a lifetime process. Once you do that, you know what you are dealing with and you can make different choices and start creating your life…by design, not from circumstances and old patterns. My question to you is are you doing that? If not, why not? If not now, when? Coach Michelle